Book: How to Win Friends and Influence People

This classic is a treasure trove of great advice. Initially published in 1936 it is still filled with timeless knowledge.

Anecdotes

• Benjamin Franklin made it a habit to never openly oppose others. When speaking to others, he even banished certain expressions from his vocabulary such as “certainly” and “undoubtedly.”

Principles

• don’t criticize, condemn or complain
• give honest and sincere appreciation
• arouse in the other person an eager want

• become genuinely interested in other people
• smile
• remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
• be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves
• talk in terms of the other person’s interests
• make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely

• the only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
• show respect for the other person’s opinions, never say “you’re wrong”
• if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
• begin in a friendly way
• get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately
• let the other person do a great deal of the talking
• let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
• try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
• be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
• appeal to the nobler motives
• dramatize your ideas
• throw down a challenge

• begin with praise and honest appreciation
• call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
• talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
• ask questions instead of giving direct orders
• let the other person save face
• praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement, be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise
• give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
• use encouragement, make the fault seem easy to correct
• make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest

• intrinsic drive to learn, determination to increase social skills – remember how important this is, visualize success
• skim each chapter once, then read again thoroughly
• pause during the reading to think about it and how to apply it
• highlight things, especially suggestions – much easier to review rapidly next time
• spend a few hours/month reviewing the book, turn into habitual action (SRS)
• apply these rules at every opportunity – new habits require time and persistence
• create a game out of the rules, give others a dollar if they catch you violating them
• keep a daily planner, do a weekly review and ask yourself:
  • what mistakes did I make that time?
  • what did I do that was right, and how could I have improved my performance?
  • what lessons can I learn from that experience?
• record specific examples of your success at using these principles

• fulfill that need and people will love you
• do this all the time, everywhere
• ask yourself: what is there about them that I can honestly admire?
• always make the other person feel important!
• ask others to share their achievements with you, only share yours when they ask
• avoid the common habit of saying nothing about the good, and always pointing out the bad

• appreciation and encouragement arouse enthusiasm, people put out greater effort under approval than criticism
• people will go out of their way to help you if you make them feel good about themselves
• praise publicly as well as privately
• reframe bad events positively (e.g. he didn’t lose money, he recovered so much of the sunk investment…)
• leave gratitude in your wake, and you will return to friendship
• people will remember your words long after you’ve forgotten them
• people who feel appreciated will bestow upon you all variety of gifts

• telling the other person what he thinks about himself
• shallow, selfish
• most discerning people can tell if you are only complimenting them to manipulate them, you will fail
• some are thirsty enough for praise they may still benefit

• let them talk themselves out
• they are giving you info
• ask questions

• before any meeting, study whatever the person is interested in
• mention first that which interests the other person most
• don’t talk about your own interests unless asked – people can’t listen to you until they are fully expressed themselves
• talk about what they want and show them how to get it
• be explicit about how your suggestions will accomplish their goals
• unselfishly trying to serve others is a rare quality, and will win you allies
• enjoy the feeling of helping another without any recourse to yourself

• everyone likes people who admire us
• send costly signals to others: do tasks which require time, energy, selflessness, thoughtfulness
• greet people with animation and enthusiasm
• greet everyone by name, including assistants
• answer the phone in a tone that sounds glad to receive the call
• schedule people’s birthdays and remember them

• be attentive
• encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments
• ask questions the other will enjoy answering
• be interested to appear interesting

• stop whatever else you are doing
• face the person
• sit erect on the edge of your chair
• make little other movement
• pay exclusive attention
• don’t be thinking about your next response

• complaining is often a need for attention
• agree with the person, sympathize, thank them for bringing this to light
• sometimes people just need to talk something out, and need no external input
• this will develop strong customer loyalty

• puts people on the defensive
• hurts sense of importance
• arouses resentment
• demoralizes
• will justify own actions and then condemn you instead
• does not produce lasting changes
• trying to improve yourself is a lot more profitable

• our first reaction to most statements is evaluation or judgment
• there is a reason they acted this way, understand that and you have the key to their actions
• by becoming interested in the cause, we are less inclined to dislike the effect – to know all is to forgive all
• everyone thinks they are doing the right thing
• see things from the point of view of the other person
• beware the fundamental attribution error: you deserve little credit for what you are, and them little discredit for being what they are, given your respective situations
• measure people by their own yardstick, not your own
• love others just as they are
• everyone you meet is your superior in some way, learn from them
• it is much more fun to try to get other people to like you

• 9/10 times each party is only more convinced of their own position (very bad for sales)
• by pointing out someone else is wrong, you’re causing them to lose face
• even if you “win” you have made the other feel inferior and hurt his pride and generated resentment
• as far as changing their mind you might as well be completely wrong
• agree with the other person’s argument, and they have nowhere to go from there
• once you stop arguing, admit the other’s importance and allow their ego to expand, they will become sympathetic again

• you strike a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, pride and self-respect
• you can tell people they are wrong by a look or gesture or tone as easily as through words
• you will not alter their opinions if you hurt their feelings
• never let anyone know you are attempting to prove something
• ask questions in a friendly, cooperative way to help others realize they are wrong
• they may acknowledge to themselves they are wrong, but it takes tact to admit this publicly and become open-minded

• admit it quickly, openly, emphatically
• this will end the argument immediately and encourage others to be open-minded too
• beat the other person to the punch – they will become more forgiving of your self-criticism
• learn to revel in this self-criticism, this can be much more fun than trying to defend yourself
• you don’t have to stand by old statements, tell others you changed your mind

• welcome the disagreement, be thankful for the opportunity to correct yourself
• distrust instinctive impressions, first reaction is to be defensive
• control your temper
• listen first, let them finish and do not resist, defend or debate
• look for areas of agreement, dwell on them first
• be honest, find areas to admit your own error and apologize for mistakes
• promise to consider their ideas carefully, they may be right and you should agree to think it over
• thank your interlocutors sincerely, anyone who spends time disagreeing has a shared interest with you and wants to help
• postpone action to give both sides time to think, suggest a followup meeting and ask yourself these questions:
  • could my opponent be right? partially right?
  • is there truth or merit in their position?
  • will my reaction relieve the problem or just my frustration?
  • will my reaction draw my interlocutor in or push him away?
  • will my reaction increase my estimation in the eyes of good people?
  • will I win or lose? what price must I pay to win?
  • if I am quiet will the disagreement blow over?
  • is this difficult situation actually an opportunity?

• realize that being insolent and opinionated will lead to social ruin, and change immediately
• make a rule to forbid direct contradiction of others, and positive assertion of our own ideas
• avoid language which imports a fixed opinion: certainly, undoubtedly, etc.
• use instead: conceive, apprehend, imagine, it appears to me…
• acknowledge the other person is right for some case, but it appears to be different in this one
• this resulted in better reception of ideas, an easier time admitting his own wrong beliefs, and getting others to do the same!

• begin by emphasizing the points on which you agree
• emphasize you are striving towards the same ends: difference of method, not purpose
• show the other person you consider his ideas and feelings as important as your own
• give the person a purpose or direction at the start of the conversation
• say what you would want to hear as the listener
• accept his viewpoint to encourage the listener to have an open mind

• do not fear being misunderstood
• don’t waste time thinking about enemies
• fix in your mind what you wish to do
• picture in your mind the person you wish to be (visualization)
• attitude of courage, frankness and good cheer

• the expression on your face is more important than the clothes on your back
• action and feeling move together, act as if you were happy and you will become so
• generates positive mood contagion
• do so even while talking on the phone
• insincere grins fool no one
• you must have a good time meeting others if you expect them to have a good time meeting you

• worth repeating: smile!
• draw the chin in
• carry the crown of the head high
• inhale deeply
• put soul into handshakes

• Example: Rockefeller to strikers
  • proud to be here
  • visited your homes, met your wives and children
  • we meet not as strangers, but as friends
  • spirit of mutual friendship, common interests
  • here by your courtesy
• Example: Webster to jurors
  • it will be for the jury to consider
  • this may, perhaps, be worth thinking of
  • here are some facts I trust you not to lose sight of
  • you, with your knowledge of human nature, will easily see the significance of these facts

• find out complete name, facts about family, business/political opinions
• if you don’t hear the name clearly ask them to repeat it, ask for spelling if unusual
• look at features, expression, general appearance
• fix these facts in mind as part of a picture
• repeat the name
• write it down later to make an eye-impression as well as ear-impression
• don’t make excuses for yourself

• would you be so kind as to…
• won’t you please?
• would you mind?
• thank you

• read about the lives of famous people, then ask them about their childhood
• being around powerful people can imbue you with confidence and ambition
• most successful people like to reminisce about their early struggles
• temperamental stars need lots of sympathy

• chain together a string of yeses!
• physiological response, opening of the body, receptive to ideas…

• dramatizing a product gets people to buy it
• you simply must use showmanship if you want to garner attention
• merely stating the truth is not enough, the truth must be made vivid, interesting, dramatic
• works in life as well as business, e.g. don’t just express love in words

• when no information is yet obtained, assume the person is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay
• call to find out what your company had done or failed to do
• offer no opinion until you’ve heard the customer
• the customer is the ultimate authority on his own interest and situation
• let him talk, listen with sympathy
• once in a reasonable mood, appeal to sense of fairness

• be sincere, don’t promise anything you can’t deliver, concentrate on benefits to other person
• know exactly what it is you want the other person to do
• be empathetic, ask yourself what the other person wants
• consider the benefits the other person will receive
• match those benefits to the person’s desires
• convey the request so the person knows he will benefit

• abilities wither under criticism, and blossom under encouragement
• reputations (good or bad) are self-fulfilling prophecies, so give people good ones!
• act as though they already possessed that trait – assume this and state it publicly
• it can be difficult to find things to praise when you’re focused on the negatives
• use specific examples and accomplishments, say why the work was good and how important it was to the business
• don’t just flatter people!

• thank them for their work
• tell them it is not unusual to make this mistake
• show confidence in them, that they tried their best
• lack of experience, not ability, was the reason for failure
• you trust them not to do it again now

• it is always easier to hear unpleasant things after first receiving praise
• when other people realize you have confidence in them, they are willing to follow suggestions
• what matters is not what we think of others, but what they think of themselves

• praise feels like a contrived lead-in to criticism, listener questions the praise
• change this to and!
• this indirectly calls attention to the behavior we want to change, works especially well for sensitive people

• it is easier to hear about your own faults from someone who just admitted his
• this can work even if you haven’t corrected your own behavior yet
• the next-best thing is to praise after a criticism, sometimes you can still recover

• be encouraging
• tell the person you have faith in their abilities
• tell the person they already possess natural talent
• the person will practice the skill in order to excel

• saves a person’s pride, gives feeling of importance
• makes it easy for others to correct errors
• people are more likely to cooperate if they have some part in the decision
• explain the importance of the situation
• asking questions stimulates creativity – what is the problem and how do we fix it?
• let others do things, and learn from their mistakes

• use low-key suggestions at proper intervals to get them to develop your idea themselves
• let them suggest it as their own, care about results not credit – publicly award credit to others
• we trust ideas we discover more than ones given to us
• we like to think we are acting on our own ideas, not being commanded
• ask others to give you their thoughts, they will feel like part of the creative process
• we like to think we are buying something, not being sold
• give people referrals, let them do the investigation and sell themselves on the idea

• turn someone down for a position by telling them they are too important for it
• give someone a new title for work they are already doing, give old position to someone better
• when giving someone an honor, make them feel like they are doing you a favor to accept it
• after turning down an offer, give an immediate substitute so they don’t have time to feel bad about the refusal
• give the leader of a rival faction a title and some authority to bring them in line with your cause

• if the work is exciting and interesting, the people will be motivated to do a good job
• successful, driven people love the game: self-expression, proving your worth, to excel, to win

• people have two reasons for doing things: the real reason (near mode) and the one that sounds good (far mode)
• appeal to noble motives to change behaviors
• offer famous/wealthy people to give money to their favorite charity

• they will not feel so let down
• they will leave with good will
• they will return if needed again