Book: How to talk to anyone

This book is a practical translation of Dale Carnegie’s „How Win friends and influence people„. However, the advice here is more tactical and updated compared to the original version.

Amazon Link

I picked up this book because I am getting married in 3 weeks and I want to avoid the faux-pas during the party. I know reading a book about smalltalk while doing wedding preparations is weird, but hey – that’s me.

Contrary to other books, nobody recommended this one to me. I searched amazon and found this gem and I have to say – I am very pleasantly surprised. This is a book-buying strategy that Kevin Systrom from Instagram uses.

The things I have to particularly work on

Being more conscious about how I make others feel

I usually get into the thick of the conversation, forgetting about everything else. I get excited about what we talk about and respond instinctually. But sometimes my instinctual responses are driven by my Ego and I have to curb it. I have a tendency to jump in with „me too” a little too soon.

STOP INTERRUPTING PEOPLE

I have a nasty habit of interrupting people when I know what they are trying to say. I am often wrong AND interrupt people.

I need to let them speak!

The strongest tips for me:

1. Flooding smile, after recognising someone, so they feel smile is especially for them
2. Glue eyes to conversation partner. I sometimes dart my eyes all over the place, since it makes it easier to focus on hard conversation. I need to work on affixing my stare on the conversation partner
3. Picture a wire hanging in the doorway, grab it with the teeth to straighten up the posture
4. How do you spend most of your time instead of „what do you do” ?
5. Delay revealing your similarity, let people revel in their interests.
6. Review your repertoire of smiles 🙂
7. Return the stolen spotlight! ‘So what happened after the … (and fill in the last few words.)
8. Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the speaker finish completely before you jump in. (I am so bad at this!) Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions.

My highlights

• There are two kinds of people in this life: Those who walk into a room and say,‘Well, here I am!’ And those who walk in and say,‘Ahh, there you are.’
• ‘Just give ’em great posture, a heads-up look, a confident smile, and a direct gaze.’ It’s the ideal image for somebody who’s a Somebody.
• ‘The study went on to say a big, warm smile is an asset. But only when it comes a little slower, because then it has more credibility.’
• Don’t flash an immediate smile when you greet someone, as though anyone who walked into your line of sight would be the beneficiary. Instead, look at the other person’s face for a second. Pause. Soak in their persona. Then let a big, warm, responsive smile flood over your face and overflow into your eyes. It will engulf the recipient like a warm wave. The split-second delay convinces people your flooding smile is genuine and only for them.
• In addition to awakening feelings of respect and affection, maintaining strong eye contact gives you the impression of being an intelligent and abstract thinker.
• Pretend your eyes are glued to your Conversation Partner’s with sticky warm toffee. Don’t break eye contact even after he or she has finished speaking.
• This is the look Winners have constantly. They stand with assurance. They move with confidence. They smile softly with pride. No doubt about it! Good posture symbolizes you are a man or woman who is used to being on top.
• Before walking through any door – the door to your office, a party, a meeting, even your kitchen – picture a leather bit hanging by a cable from the frame. It is swinging just an inch higher than your head. As you pass through the door, throw your head back and chomp on the imaginary dental grip which first pulls your cheeks back into a smile,
• Visualize a circus iron-jaw bit hanging from the frame of every door you walk through. Take a bite and, with it firmly between your teeth, let it swoop you to the peak of the big top. When you Hang by Your Teeth, every muscle is stretched into perfect posture position. You are now ready to float into the room to captivate the crowd or close the sale (or maybe just settle for looking like the most important Somebody in the room).
• The instant the two of you are introduced, reward your new acquaintance. Give the warm smile, the total-body turn, and the undivided attention you would give a tiny tyke who crawled up to your feet, turned a precious face up to yours, and beamed a big toothless grin.
• When meeting someone, imagine he or she is an old friend (an old customer, an old beloved, or someone else you had great affection for). How sad, the vicissitudes of life tore you two asunder. But, holy mackerel, now the party (the meeting, the convention) has reunited you with your long-lost old friend!
• Whenever your conversation really counts, let your nose itch, your ear tingle, or your foot prickle. Do not fidget, twitch, wiggle, squirm, or scratch. And above all, keep your paws away from your face. Hand motions near your face and all fidgeting can give your listener the gut feeling you’re fibbing.
• Express yourself, but keep a keen eye on how your listener is reacting to what you’re saying. Then plan your moves accordingly.
• See yourself walking around with Hang by Your Teeth posture, shaking hands, smiling the Flooding Smile, and making Sticky Eyes. Hear yourself chatting comfortably with everyone. Feel the pleasure of knowing you are in peak form and everyone is gravitating toward you. Visualize yourself a Super Somebody.
• Small talk is about putting people at ease. It’s about making comforting noises together like cats purring, children humming, or groups chanting. You must first match your listener’s mood.
• it’s not all what you say, it’s how you say it.
• How do you put people at ease? By convincing them they are OK and that the two of you are similar. When you do that, you break down walls of fear, suspicion, and mistrust.
• Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant.
• Your business cards and your Whatzit are crucial socializing artifacts. Whether you are riding in the elevator, climbing the doorstep, or traversing the path to the party, make sure your Whatzit is hanging out for all to see.
• Whenever you go to a gathering, wear or carry something unusual to give people who find you the delightful stranger across the crowded room an excuse to approach. ‘Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your … what IS that?’
• Do humanity and yourself a favour. Never, ever, give just a one-sentence response to the question, ‘Where are you from?’
• Learn some engaging facts about your hometown that Conversational Partners can comment on. Then, when they say something clever in response to your bait, they think you’re a great conversationalist.
• open an old-fashioned encyclopedia – all rich sources for future stimulating conversations. Learn some history, geography, business statistics, or perhaps a few fun facts to tickle future friends’ funny bones.
• ‘No man would listen to you talk if he didn’t know it was his turn next.’
• Flesh it out. Throw out some delicious facts about your job for new acquaintances to munch on.
• ‘Leil, I’d like you to meet Gilbert. Gilbert’s gift is sculpting. He makes beautiful wax carvings.’
• listen to your Conversation Partner’s every word for clues to his or her preferred topic. The evidence is bound to slip out. Then spring on that subject like a sleuth on to a slip of the tongue.
• ‘Well, when I meet someone, I learn so much more if I ask about their life. I always try to turn the spotlight on the other person.’
• Never be left speechless again. Like a parrot, simply repeat the last few words your Conversation Partner says.
• The sweetest sound your Conversation Partner can hear from your lips when you’re talking with a group of people is ‘Tell them about the time you …’
• Big Cats never ask outright, ‘What do you do?’ (Oh they find out, all right, in a much more subtle manner.) By not asking the question, the Big Boys and Girls come across as more principled
• ‘How … do … you … spend … most … of … your … time?’
• ‘Here’s how my life can benefit yours’
• When you delay revealing your similarity, or let them discover it, it has much more punch.
• Whenever people mention an activity or interest you share, let them enjoy discussing their passion. Then, when the time is right, casually mention you share their interest.
• When someone starts telling you about an activity he has done, a trip she has made, a club he belongs to, an interest she has – anything that you share – bite your tongue. Let the teller relish his or her own monologue.
• However, consider how much better he feels when you tell him, ‘YOU’VE asked a good question.’
• Start every appropriate sentence with YOU.
• Review your repertoire of smiles
• neat phrases make powerful weapons.
• All pros think of holes they might fall into and then memorize great escape lines. You can do the same.
• Don’t hide behind euphemisms. Call a spade a spade. That doesn’t mean Big Cats use tasteless four-letter words when perfectly decent five and six-letter ones exist.
• An innocent joke at someone else’s expense may get you a cheap laugh. Nevertheless, the Big Cats will have the last one. Because you’ll bang your head against the glass ceiling they construct to keep little cats from stepping on their paws.
• It’s not the news that makes someone angry. It’s the unsympathetic attitude with which it’s delivered.
• Just one out of every four weekends, do something totally out of your pattern.
• When you want to give someone the subliminal feeling you’re just alike, use their words, not yours.
• Unlike ‘uh huh,’ they are complete sentences such as ‘I can appreciate you decided to do that,’ or ‘That really is exciting.’
• Then use the pronoun we when discussing anything that might affect the two of you.
• A compliment one hears is never as exciting as the one he overhears. A priceless way to praise is not by telephone, not by telegraph, but by tell-a-friend.
• Whenever you are talking with a stranger you’d like to make part of your professional or personal future, search for one attractive, specific, and unique quality he or she has.
• Ask the important people in your life what they would like engraved on their tombstone.
• You take people’s breath away when you feed their deepest self-image to them in a compliment. ‘At last,’ they say to themselves, ‘someone who loves me for who I truly am.’
• People perk up when they hear their own name. Use it more often on the phone than you would in person to keep their attention.
• Don’t answer the phone with an ‘I’m just sooo happy all the time’ attitude. Answer warmly, crisply, professionally. Then, after you hear who is calling, let a huge smile of happiness engulf your entire face and spill over into your voice.
• ‘Is this a convenient time for you to talk?’
• Whenever you leave a voice mail message for anyone, try to include a cliff-hanger:
• When you leave a message, say ‘I can be reached between three and five your time.’
• If you do business with people around the world, be sure to extend good wishes to them for their holidays.
• VIPS frequently come early to get their business done before party regulars who ‘hate to be the first one there’ start arriving.
• When people support the real why of the party, they become popular and sought-after guests for future events.
• ‘What kind of people will be at this party, and what will they be thinking about?’
• Politicians always eat before they come to the party
• Right after you’ve talked to someone at a party, take out your pen. On the back of his or her business card write notes to remind you of the conversation: his favourite restaurant, sport, film, or drink; whom she admires, where she grew up, a high school honour; or maybe a joke he told.
• Cool Communicators allow their friends, associates, acquaintances, and loved ones the pleasurable myth of being above commonplace bloopers and embarrassing biological functions.
• Big Winners never gape at another’s gaffes.
• ‘Now please get back to your story.’ Or better yet, remember where they were and then ask, ‘So what happened after the … (and fill in the last few words.)’
• Whenever you suggest a meeting or ask a favour, divulge the respective benefits.
• Reveal what’s in it for you and what’s in it for the other person – even if it’s zip.
• Whenever a friend agrees to a favour, allow your generous buddy time to relish the joy of his or her beneficence before you make them pay the piper. How long? At least twenty-
• Whenever you are discussing emotionally charged matters, let the speaker finish completely before you jump in.
• Hear their facts but empathize like mad with their emotions.
• A premature letter of commendation for favours not yet received could be a clever tactic.
• Heavy Hitters, even when they do not agree with the speaker, support the podium pontificator. Why? Because they know what it’s like to be on.
• Be the first to applaud or publicly commend the man or woman you agree with